Everything I need to know about life I learned from American Idol, season 10. Contrary to what the condescending, hybrid-driving, Pellegrino-sipping, bi-coastal liberal elite might think, there are some serious, hard-hitting lessons revealed through the “reality” competition drama that is American Idol. You’re welcome, America. You’re welcome. (Spoiler Alert)
1) Episodes 1-7-The nation-wide auditions. The star power of new judges Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez dazzles aspiring Idols.
- Once you get past age twenty-five, develop a gracious facial response to hearing “I’ve looked up to you ever since I was a kid.”
- It takes a lot of years of cocaine to give you free license to rhyme like Mother Goose and still sound like a creepy, oversexed uncle. (Side note: The non-sequiter-jokes-that-only-make-sense-in-your-own-rockstar-dimension predates Charlie Sheen and Twitter. Give credit where credit is due.)
2) Episodes 8-10-Hollywood Rounds. Group competitions weed out the weak.
- Without respected, and mature leadership, letting random strangers figure out how to group themselves and perform will always lead to hurt feelings.
- Left to our own devices, “Lord of the Flies” survival of the fittest will always rule: the chubby, underdeveloped outcast will be left out.
3) Episode 21-Casey gets saved by the judges.
- Being an independent-minded underdog won’t take you to the finish line but will sure help out along the way when the chips are down.
4) Episode 25-To everyone’s shock, Pia Toscano gets kicked off.
- Being likeable will get you further in life than ACTUALLY being talented.
5) Episode 38-Lauren and Scotty are in the top two.
- The kids who you’d think will win prom king and queen WILL always win prom king and queen.
6) Episode 39-The Idol Finale Results Show.
- Who to invite to the party need not make sense when butt loads of money are involved. Judas Priest, TLC (without the L) AND Jack Black? (Don’t forget: Kung-Fu Panda 2 in theaters now.)
- Blind confidence and swagger will get you further in life than playing down your gifts and being the vulnerable damsel in distress.
(Originally written for The Morning After tumblr http://tmaonhulu.tumblr.com/)